I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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