I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
