Little spoons don't ask big questions
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
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Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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