If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
