Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
