i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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