I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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