I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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