shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
