Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just want nice things and good sex
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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