I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
