I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
