hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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