I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
