wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
sarcasm needs its own font
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
