So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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