hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we're making bets on your personal life
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
