Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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