take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
