He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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