I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
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Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
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Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
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