we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
