Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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