my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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