New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
