Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
