I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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