I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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