If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
