If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
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That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
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I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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