giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
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