youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
