Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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