i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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