For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She's the barista slut.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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