They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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