You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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