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I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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