I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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