woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
