I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
