It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
