I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
whose ass print is on the piano?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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