Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
