I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
