I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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