Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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