He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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