Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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