No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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