dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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