my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
