so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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