fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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