Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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