it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
