We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
